A
Tangled Web
By
DAVID KOEPPEL
12/11/03
Adultry was
once considered a sin - or at least a secret. Not online. The Internet
dating craze is blazing a trail of broken marriages thanks to dozens of
sites inviting participants to identify themselves as "not so
happily married," "married but that shouldn't matter" or
even the seemingly archaic, "married but we swing."
Studies show
some 30 percent of online dating visitors are married - and recent
research by the University of Florida reports that what starts out as
flirting and cybersex quickly escalates into the real thing.
The Internet
became an easy escape for "Barbara," a 43-year-old married New
Yorker who dated about 60 men in three years until she met Steve, who's
also married - but now sneaking around with Barbara.
"We see
each other once or twice a week," she says. "We have a lot in
common, have a great time together and the sex is phenomenal."
She says a
cold husband sent her surfing for more.
"There
was no warmth or any physical affection," she says glumly.
She tried
cajoling her husband into seeing a marriage counselor, but after only
one visit, he refused to return.
She didn't
want a divorce because of their 7-year-old daughter, so she posted an ad
on Altmatch.com.
"I'm
not interested in jeopardizing my marriage or anyone else's," she
told The Post. "I just wanted to find someone special I could click
with."
Other women
interviewed by The Post say they've been searching for deeper emotional
relationships than their husbands are able to give - but aren't ready to
leave.
"I
guess the sex just isn't what it used to be when we first met,"
says Nicole, 28, a married New Yorker who's listed on uDate.
"I miss
the feeling of sex being new and exciting. It's addicting."
Addiction is
something Chris Samuels, the co-director of a sexual addiction treatment
center in Greenwich Village, understands all too well.
She's
treated many married and unmarried patients who've gotten caught up in
Internet lust.
"Its
power is almost trance-inducing," she says. "You can troll
these sites and have a fantasy ready and waiting. Cybersex can provide a
quick and powerful high. It's like crack cocaine to sex addicts."
Alfred, 49,
is a self-described Internet Lothario who says he's been
"swinging" for 23 years.
Before going
online, he would post ads in "swinger magazines," sometimes
waiting two to four months to set up a first meeting.
Now his
desires can be gratified almost instantly by posting ads on IWantU.com.
"While
I'm open to a relationship, I'd prefer someone I can meet for no-strings
mutual sexual pleasure on a continuing basis," he says.
Alfred's new
online ads generally attract several interested women ("I'm a
seller in a buyer's market," he says proudly).
He usually
hooks up with married women, but says there are plenty of singles who
don't mind that he's already spoken for.
Unfortunately,
while these spouses are sowing their wild oats, there's likely to be
someone at home who's getting hurt.
John LaSage,
43, from California, could attest to that - his wife left him and his
two teenage daughters to take off with an Internet boyfriend.
The
experience led him to create chatcheaters.com - a Web site designed to
help dissuade potential cheaters and to comfort those who've been hurt
by them.
"Chatting
is OK, cheating is not," says LaSage.
"People
should realize how quickly relationships can form online. Flirting can
lead to real-world affairs."
If you
suspect your spouse of having an online affair, "Bring the issue
out into the open," he says.
"Look
out for the warning signs" - like excessive Internet use, new email
accounts, turning off the computer when you walk in the room.
Pepper
Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and
the relationships expert for online dating site Perfectmatch.com, says
married men are much more likely to say they're just looking for sex
than married women, but ultimately the search is about loneliness.
"If you
just want a sexual hit, you can masturbate a lot quicker than having an
affair," she says.
"But
it's about gratification. They want someone to find them attractive,
someone to want them passionately."
But not
every married person who's gone the online route has found the affair of
their dreams.
Wayne, a
49-year-old man from New Jersey, complains that his inbox is usually
cluttered with undesirable partners and a fair share of transsexuals and
cross-dressers.
But that may
be just the ticket for a 34-year-old Lower East Side "Rockerdude"
who advertises on altmatch that he's hoping to make sweet music with
men, women - and anything in between.
"Yes, I
am married, but we have a very liberal, open-minded relationship - so be
brave," he writes.
With
additional reporting by Michael Shashoua
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