This article does not pass any judgment on people who cheat but is meant to provide some tips for anyone who is in relationship that for whatever reason is "secret." Mind you, not all secret relationships are illegitimate or unethical - in some situations that is the only way two people can share their love for each other.

Tina is one of them. She has been dating a man for close to two years. Both of them are married to other people, of course. "However, we love each other so much that we took the risk. He said that he loved me like he's never loved anyone before. He calls me many times during the day, and since we both travel a lot with our jobs, he always makes arrangements to come see me, regardless of how far we are from each other. He tells me that without me he would have a tremendous void in his life. I feel the same," she tells me. And there is another twist to the relationship - they are in a mature/younger relationship which are so common these days. The love of her life is 50 years older and she is 30.

Recently, however, something went wrong. "He used to call me almost every hour of the day, even when he was at home, while his wife was there. He used to buy me many expensive presents. He even bought me a cell phone so that we could be in touch. Last week, and after a minor argument we had, I text messaged him several times, and his wife got a hold of the phone and questioned him for several hours and they had a big confrontation. He denied everything, of course. The last time I heard from him was a week ago. He talked to me on the phone and said he needed some time to let things cool off, to prevent his wife from continuing to be suspicious. He's afraid she'll have private investigators track every phone call, every text message and every e-mail. He suggested we only e-mail through his work email account. Immediately after that conversation he e-mailed me from his work and said "I will write you later...Hang in there..." I don't know what that means. It's been a week, and I haven't heard from him ever since. Did he stop loving me so suddenly. How could someone who said that he loved me, and that will do anything for me, not care for me anymore. I can't understand it. A man, that would do anything for me, all of a sudden, I don't know anything of. Should I send him a quick note saying "I'm thinking of him?" Or should I let him get back to me when he's ready? He said he wouldn't leave me, just that he needed time to keep his wife away from us. What should I do? I'm desperate! Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. I don't have anyone else to talk to," she asks.

First of all, you may very well be overreacting. Just put yourself in his shoes and see how difficult it is to manage two relationships. Just to juggle two partners and then make sure that no one knows what you are up to can be a big challenge. So if he says that you must wait, I would strongly suggest that you wait. Because if you do something "stupid" you may do even more harm and it might all be over. For all we know, that dedicated phone may now be in the custody of his wife or private investigators. While I have heard rare cases in which a man abandons his mistress and goes back to his wife/family when things get ugly, in most cases if that happens, the man will come back to his lover and make her a part of his decision. In this specific case, he is clearly responding to an emergency.

Secondly, a message from you will not have any impact if for any reason he does not want to have a relationship with you any more. While rare, it does happen that a man or a woman just decide to leave it all behind and move on without looking back (sadly though, leaving the other partner totally confused). Let us assume for a moment that his wife has told him that he has to choose between her and you. And my understanding is that he never intended to marry you (in any case you are married too) and just wanted to have a loving relationship with you. Given that ultimatum from his wife, he is more likely to choose his current wife no matter what, even if it is not the most pleasant decision for him. So he may still feel the same way about you as he always did but may have to make a choice no matter how painful it is for him and you. But based on what you have described, he will let you know, but as you can guess, it will not be easy for him to breakup with you after all that he has told you and done for the relationship. Men in such cases will struggle with it for a long time before they even figure out how to say it. But I would still emphasize that it is too early to worry about all of this. It has only been a week and as you probably know, finally, using his/your work email for such private exchanges is not appropriate either.

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