Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to
Know
... and what you can do to help
Recent
statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and
60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers
together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one
spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem
like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work
as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the
charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who
were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in
an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you will
know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's
habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and
reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character"
but be unable to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a
given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to
hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially,
is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that
preclude divulging the crisis.
It might be
important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the
status of your relationship with the person.
It is
important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve
different purposes.
Out of my
study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different
kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some
extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the
marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual
confusion or trauma.
Some in our
culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy
chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some
contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high
need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being
in love" and having that "loving feeling."
An
extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or
did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge
is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another form
of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A
nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and
one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to
balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with
collusion from the spouse.
The prognosis
for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are
the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As
well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the
part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others
demand patience and understanding.
The emotional
impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks
of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity
follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to "work through" the implications.
A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't
recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.
The
devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics.
Trust is shattered – of one's ability to discern the truth. The most
important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to
trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in
relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll
that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you
help?
Those in the
midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I
want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what
I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know
that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every so
often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that
this is not forever.
3. I want to
be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding
acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to
hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of
yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see
the larger picture.
5. I may want
space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through
and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer,
stutter and stumble my way through this.
6. I want
someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might
take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they
pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I
might find helpful.
8. I want to
hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more
than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly
how it IS going.
9. I want you
to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would
like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the
contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you
to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen
and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I
will honor that.
Extramarital
affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends,
colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign
one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true
intimacy.
####################
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples
over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and
survive infidelity.
|
