I like to delude myself that I have a girl friend. I pretend I am in a long-term relationship with the girl at the pub who sells me beer and hamburgers each Friday. When I talk to other women, I get the delicious thrill of the affair, without the attendant complication of guilt.

Sadly, it hasn't been effective yet. But it has taught me a number of valuable lessons in how one should commit adultery.

Find yourself another person to commit adultery with. Although your partner will still probably leave you, sex with an inflatable doll is not technically adultery.
Adultery is best committed when away from home on a business trip; the annual family holiday to Nanna’s is not a good time.
It's OK for you to commit adultery with a person of your gender. You can tell your partner "I'm looking for something you haven’t got," and not be insulting.
If you are 'caught in the act', it might be worth asking your partner to join in, but probably isn't.
Although the Bible says "Thou shalt not commit adultery", it also says you shouldn’t covet your neighbours ox. The Bible therefore obviously only applies to farmers, and can safely be ignored by city-dwellers.
It's a good idea not to have an affair with priests and nuns. Technically, these people are married to God. You don't want God slashing your tyres for eternity, even if you do live in a city.
Affairs in hotels are sexy; affairs in the back seats of Corollas are not.
It is not a good idea to keep the condoms as a souvenir.
Despite what Bill Clinton might say, oral sex counts.
Conduct your affair using code words only the both of you understand. "The deal's going pear-shaped. We'd better have a crisis meeting; you bring the stationery" is a good code; "I’ll meet you at my house in half an hour. Buy condoms" is not.

Your Adultery Tips

A usefull tip. If your woman gets you a pager, politely decline... if she gets you a cell phone, RUN! Nathan Randall

If you know your partner has committed adultery but you didn't want to leave her at the time because you didn't want to be on your own, chances are further on down the track somebody else will come along and save you from yourself. You can then do the whole thing. Commit adultery yourself and pay back your adulterous floozy of a partner, you can dump her and say how terribly her adulterous ways had affected you and explain that although it was quite a few years ago,you've only just had time to think about the extent of the pain the adulterous behaviour had inflicted on you. You can commit adultery as well as blame somebody else for your behaviour. WIN WIN I say.
Debbie Thomas

If you get caught, I always use the line "But honey, I was thinking of you at the time." They love that...
Tommohawk

Use your business to book a few hours with an Escort. Ask for a tax receipt and claim the expense as a consultancy fee.
Shady

If you are going to do it in a car use a 1956 Cheverolet - the front seat makes a great work bench! If you want use a motel- buy an MG you can there quicker!
Brian Thornton

Get someone to hypnotize you to help you improve yourself... You will find yourself shedding 250 pounds of useless fat (called Mark, who is a twat, and a sad mummy's boy anyway), lessening the need for an adulterous fling. But being with Mark The Twat (1987-To present day-reigning champion of all Twats) has put you off lager stained pricks for life and you are now happily shacked up with his sister, Mary. Cool. Now you dont have to fake your orgasms.
Joy

Tennis players are exempt from being true "adulters"...after all, love means nothing to them anyway.
Bryan Baker

Simply start to act as though you have a multiple personality disorder. Not only will your other half become more caring towards you, but you can also blame one of your alter-egos if you ever get caught.
Paul

Divorce your wife, marry someone you hate, then have sex with your ex, that way you can both feel naughty.
Duncan Fairhurst

If you get caught, inform your partner that you were interviewing possible candidates for that threesome you talked about.
Matt Capon

Don't sell tickets to the event
Penis McHotlove

It's only considered adultery if you do it in the same postcode. Do it in the next postcode over from you and you're OK.
Demosthien

Sleep with the Chief of Police's wife or daughter. At least when you go to jail the inmates will respect you so much, you may NOT have to commit "forced adultery" with a big hairy guy named Bubba.
scott quick

If you dont want to see them again, say "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, every day and night will be like paradise!" This will get rid of them quick smart.
toni blackwell

If caught out, you can't go past the excuse "I could never disrespect you enough to do the filthy stuff I did to her."

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