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The Anatomy of Extramarital Affairs
Most people think that
extramarital affairs are about steamy sexual encounters.
You will be surprised to find out that they are not!!
Compliments of
By Reena
Sommer, Ph.D
What is it about finding out that your partner is having
an affair that unlocks the floodgates of emotion; emotions so strong and
intense that they seem foreign and often disturbing even to those who
experience them? Most would say it's the betrayal, the deception and the
humiliation that catapults them into an emotional abyss where feelings of
despair and sadness alternate with feelings of anger and rage. And even
when the shock subsides, the focus of people's thoughts remains on the
sexual act mainly because it exemplifies the violation of a sacred trust
between two people who have made a commitment to each other.
Is it an uncontrollable sex drive, weak mindedness or too
much to drink that leads a person into the arms of another? This question
is asked many times by those who struggle to make sense of "why did he (or
she) do it?" And while it is deserving of an answer, it behooves the
person asking the question to consider that extramarital affairs have less
to do with sex and more to do with unmet needs. This is not to minimize
the gravity of what has occurred or down playing the pain caused by the
partner who has gone outside the relationship. Instead, it is meant to
point out that the dynamics of an affair, especially those with a history,
are complex and go far beyond the sexual act.
To understand what has happened, to be able to assess the viability of a
relationship (if that is still an option), and do what it takes to move on
in life, a good place to begin is in understanding the notion of intimacy
and how it plays out in relationships.
Intimacy is the unique bond between two people that links them together
emotionally, spiritually and sexually. The meshing of these elements forms
the cornerstone of a monogamous relationship and explains in part, its
distinctiveness to the human species. It also explains why its absence
foretells non-exclusivity, suggesting that successful and healthy
relationships require more than sex to function. It is the feeling of
connectedness that forms the basis of intimacy making it possible for
relationships to grow and sustain the challenges that are often brought on
by stress, illness, and work and family problems. Intimacy is the glue
that holds relationships together taking over when the intense passion of
a new relationship transforms into a more enduring union based on common
values, love and commitment.
For intimacy to develop and be sustained, a person must feel valued,
cherished and respected by their partner. These feelings signify equity
and balance in a relationship and secure the bond between the partners.
Equally important is the need for effective communication of these
feelings because without it, a rift can develop. If not reversed, the link
between partners is at risk of being lost. Thus the greatest threat to
intimacy is not exposure to attractive people of the opposite sex, but the
inability of a couple to feel and communicate their connectedness to each
other.
The circumstances that contribute to the fracturing of the intimate bond
are diverse but most often involve transferring emotional energy that was
once directed toward the relationship to other sources such as career,
children, outside interests and friends. While good relationships can
weather temporary emotional absences, if they go on indefinitely, they too
will suffer. Under these conditions people may reconnect emotionally and
spiritually with someone outside of their relationship by once again
fulfilling their needs for acceptance and understanding. Relationships
such as these often begin benignly but may later evolve by becoming
sexual. This pattern is most typical of "affairs of the heart", affairs
that pose the greatest threat to the primary relationship.
So while sex may be the object of a partner's scorn, it is really the
breakdown of communication and the ultimate severing of a bond that once
existed that is really at stake. In essence, the betrayal that is attached
to sexual infidelity may have already occurred long before on an emotional
and spiritual level. Thus, while it may be one partner who strays outside
the relationship, the responsibility for making it work remains the
responsibility of both. And while a person may claim that he or she was
blind to anything in his or her partner's behavior that may have signaled
a breach in intimacy, this in itself suggests that he or she is out of
touch with the respective needs of each other.
The effects of affairs can be devastating and there are no quick and easy
fixes to repair the damage. However, if both partners are motivated, then
patience, honesty and the skills of a professional can help the couple
explore whether it is possible to reconstruct the once existed.
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